do you feel like the two of you are drifting apart? or do you think its just a phase. Either way, you might want to talk to him :)

Did you give him the "Or else" speech? You need to tell him exactly where you stand on this, It's very important to you and it should be important to him if he really loves you. If that fails then he leaves you no choice. You deserve to be happy, you deserve to have a husband and family. Did you ask him what the show stopper is to him? I think it's time to oput up or shut up. Yes? Good luck Sara, I wish for you only the best.

thats going to be tough to leave when you have feelings. Tell him if he thinks ur the one for him he needs to wait and respect your choices.. If he doesnt and he chooses to leave you to find some1 who wants to (thats gonna take time anyway) but you dont need him ...

make some friends in your community with whom you can do things for fun ...

Have you ever considered, relocating to a different state & shacking up with 7 guys? *Yes,7 guys!!!! We're not including our leader as you two would end up killing each other or be featured on "Cops" every other week.

Yikes! I am so sorry to hear that Sara. I really am. Well, if your heart is leading you towards Marriage and kids then you should probably listen. If Ryan doesn't want either of those things that then it may be time for "the talk". I can't advise you on that, but I think you already know what you should do. The good news is that you are an amazing young woman who, if you decide to move on, will undoubtedly be swamped with offers from eligible young men very quickly. Just think of all the fun you'll have sorting through your options. LOL! Sara, you will be fine - whatever you decide. Trust your heart. I have a suspicion it's been trying to tell you something important for awhile. And once again, I will be praying for you and your boyfriend - but you knew I would be right? :o)

That's a real tough one. These things have to be discussed early on in the relationship. Which I'm sure they were. You have to do what feels right for you. You don't want to live the rest of your life with regrets. Take some time and think about it.(BIG HUG)

Yikes! Best call the Fireman 214/350-6422.

You're right, these are HUGE issues. It's not like you want him to pick up his shit, or mow the fuckin lawn. Like everyone else is saying, he needs to know how serious you are about this, serious enough to leave. If he knew you were going to leave, he might decide to compromise a bit. If he is dead set on this, then it seems you may have no choice. Someone mentioned moving in with your Dad for a little while. If you do decide to end it, that would be a good start. By you moving out and not being around, he may realize that giving you what you want is worth what he gets in return, you. If not, then you are around family and people who care about you and will be there to help you through it. I don't know if you have been going, but that hiking group is a great place to be when you are trying to move on. I'm sure you'll meet all kinds of fun people there. I find it very difficult to understand how anyone would deprive someone they care so much about of something that they are so clearly passionate about. There are plenty of fish in the sea, and there is no reason to settle. Either way, it comes down to what you feel is right. Good luck Sara.

That is so hard. But really you have not choice. Maybe after a while he will realize what he lost.

how old is he? give it time, he might come around...

I am sorry to hear that. If you have a hard time finding the courage. You can use liquid courage. JK. The bottom line is just be honest with him and maybe find out his fears of being married and having children.

You clearly need to discuss this to establish: 1. Why he doesn't want kids or to get married. 2. Why you do. This needs to include understanding and talking about why these are important, to each of you. If you can't explain to him why it's really important, then he will never "get it", and the same, of course, applies in reverse. You may or may not have fundamentally different desires and needs here, but before you break up, it's got to be worth having these discussions. The one thing I would advise against is staying with him and assuming either he will change or that you can change him. (I'm not suggesting you would do this, but it has to be said, as too many marriages have failed because one partner thought they could change the other one.) If and when you can get to the bottom of these issues, then you should find it easier to decide what to do, whichever way it goes. And whichever way it goes, I hope everything works out for you.

Aw crap, that bites. Good answers above about talking it out then breaking it off rather than letting it languish. Like someone said, don't worry about being, eek, 25 - I was 38 when I got married. When I was in my early 20s, I kind of had a de facto attitude that people in their 40's were a different species. But we're not, at least I'm not, at least not usually. It'll take as long as it takes to find a good guy who wants what you want - good luck.

if talking doesnt work, and you DO decide to leave, remember that he will miss you and he might come around to realize wat hes lost. if that doesnt happen, im sure you will find someone else, i know this is going to be terribly hard but we will all be here for you Sara! good luck, hope you can convince him to do the right thing.

That's a tough one. Those are two major issues that are not easily resolved, if at all. I see from your other comments that you've been talking about it for a while, and I recall from prior threads that this is a very big deal to you. Nobody can tell you how to manage the conversation with Ryan, but I can give you this small bit of advice: If you come to the conclusion that this is in fact a deal breaker, and he is not going to change his position on these major issues, that is when it is time to go. What must be done eventually should be done immediately, so if you decide that it's not fixable, it's time to go right then. Don't hurt yourself more by dragging it out with blind hope that somehow it will fix itself. I'm really sorry to hear about this. You're a great woman, though, so I have no doubt that you will get through.

my mom said the same thing. people change..

good thing you found this out before you got married -

Ask yourself if you will still be happy in ten years if you don't leave. If you put holes in the condomes and have an "accident," you are likely to end up alone anyway, if he really doesn't want to have kids.

I'm sorry to hear that Sara. You're the only one that can make that decision. If you feel it will make you happier in the long run then you have to do what you have to do. If you feel like this is something either him or you can't look past, then I guess you have to go, but if you think this is something both of you can work through, then stick it out. I would definetly give him an ultimatium. You know what I mean? Like "This is what I want, if you can't give this to me, I'm leaving." Who knows? He might change his mind. Of course it's up to you. I can't really tell you what to do, nobody really can. You have to do what makes you happy. :Sigh: I guess it's breakup season again. My friend and his girlfriend are probably going to break up soon too. Every year near the end of summer. Always, never fails. I hear of at least 3 people breaking up.

My husband was engaged to be married when we met.If you are happy with this fellow you dont need to leave.However if you are living for him that needs to stop.Enjoy your life.Do what you want to do.Travel,educate yourself,visit family.You may miss Mr.Right while you are doing what Mr. Okayfornow wants to do.Talk to him and explain that you love him but you need more.He will dismiss you because,lets face it he's a guy.Then when you do leave in 2 years for you life mate he should not be surprized.

Usually in those situations alot of people I know end up finding the courage because they end up finding a person that better fits what they are looking for. There obviously doen't seem to be a huge rush as those are the only apparent reasons so take your time. The best way is to leave the choice up to him. Let him know what you really want. Don't guilt trip him though by saying well then I'm going to leave you. If you do that he will make a decision he will end up regreting and it will only hurt the both of you. The only other easy way to do it is to just get it over with. Breaking up can go two ways like ripping off a bandaid. Some go slow as to avoid sharp pain and some just rip it off fast to get the pain over with. See what works best for you. Also sometimes breaking up is like tipping over a refridgerator. Sometimes you have to rock it back and forth before it finally comes crashing down.

obviously you have to kill him. A man like that will probaly also try to eat the turkey penis at thanksgiving dinner

same thing happened to me. we were together for 3 years, moved to cali together from ohio, and we hit a wall cause of that very reason. we couldnt stay together, it wasnt fair to either one of us; someone would be giving up something - it wasnt like giving up on getting pizza or chinese food, we are talking about having a family. it sucks, its tough, its for the best. it may not seem like it now or tomorrow or in a week. but it is for the best. firm believer that everything happens for a reason. the right people find each other, sounds very lame and hollywaood-ish but i think its true. im not religious, never have been, never will be. i just have a strong belief in love. hang in there, you'll be ok sara... promise. we will all find our RIGHT match... brent.

dont feel sad just relax listen to ur heart

so here's the story sara...i was the one that didnt want a family. but... after really thinking and taking time to myself, i realized i wanted a family, just not with that person. it was a sad and terrible time to go through but it was a realization that if we didnt break up i never would have made. which is why i told you before, if one of us caved to the other's wants/needs, one person loses out. if i would have had a family with her, i would have been miserable, if she would not have had a family with me, she would have been miserable. but doing something that completely sucked major ass (i.e. breaking up) i think it was better in the long run for both of us. i found out some big things about myself, as i am sure she did also. some things can be worked out, some things just can not no matter how hard you try, no matter what you do. you seem like a super cool girl, you'll figure out things and it will be for the best. promise.

hi, sara, babieeeeeeeeeee ... if you're truly in love with him, you can try to make it work ... but, it depends what your marriage timeline is ... y'know you're one HOT number and can be engaged or married by tomorrow if you really wanted to ... a lot of guys out there would jump at the opportunity to be the lucky one ... giggity ... ^_^

If you know why he never wants to get married and never wants kids...you can subtly alter his perspective. You can change his beliefs about it all. Hocus pocus. And, you can leave him for awhile and basically let him think about it. If he misses you, he'll start thinking "Oh maybe it wouldn't be all that bad to be married and have kids". And, then, when he really starts missing you bad, he might even start to get into the idea. That sounds manipulative, but, it's really not because you do say it's a deal breaker for you and that you will have to leave anyway.... And, I don't know if he has any business being in a relationship in the first place if he isn't willing to take things farther. Other than all of that, I don't think it's really a matter of courage. When you get tired enough of it, you'll end it.

That was my deal breaker in a previous relationship too. I thought I'd be able to change his mind or something, so we stayed together for a year and a half. Eventually we were finding more stupid little things wrong with each other, which really weren't that big of deal but I think we were making things worse so it would be easier to break up. I KNEW my life wouldn't be complete without being married and having more kids. If we stayed together, and never had those things, our relationship would have been full of regrets and resentments. You need to have the courage and confidence to do what makes you happy. If no marriage and no kids is a deal breaker for you, then it's a deal breaker and you need to move on. It's scary as hell and hard not to think about the good times and things you love, but trust me, you're a great person who will find the one who can complete your life (sorry to sound all Jerry Maguire there). I wish you the best of luck hope you find your happiness. xo

wow,maybe youre not the one for him to change his mind. I mean, maybe its a way of telling you he isnt lookingforward to marrying you and have kids with you...does he have kids,married before? otherwise...hongey, as a women, when you love someone, you would at lease want one baby, its a women thing, a connection of love...

Just follow the Nike slogan (I think it's Nike): Just do it.

You will never leave Ryan. He may be a skinny dude but I don't think you find anyone who blows your hair back like he does. Remember, you may not even be able to conceive or carry a child. Trust me, life can be very fulfilling without kids, I have enjoyed 22 years of togetherness without kids.

I am going throught the same situation with my boyfriend of one year. We spoke about this initially towards the beginning of the relationship and at that time I wa okay with it, since we both had horrible marraiges. As time progresses I have come to realize that my attitude towards that is changing. I dont want to have kids, but maybe will like to get remarried someday. I personally believe that if he doesn't come around within the next 2 years, I will have to break if off. This is a serious matter and should be spoken about RIGHT NOW and not later. In mind head I'm giving him more time, and not making a big issue of it and he is aware of that. But I live for me and no one else. I will only live once and I want my life to be the way I want it to be, not thougth someone else.

Just think about the future and what you want..that should help you get the courage up..those are definitley big issues..just think about how sad you will be when your 35 and have no kids and still are'nt married..its not fair for him to expect you give up on the things you want out of life..if there is no compromising on his part he does not really love you anyway.. Good Luck =]

I wouldn't worry so much about the marriage thing but if it were me, I would be very worried about the no kids. The clock is ticking. It's a lot more risky for women to carry a pregnancy past about age 29 and when you get past 39, it's a real worry. Even one child would be better than none if you really want a family.

If you want children you are wasting time with this person..so if it is inevitable that you break up, leave now or ask him to leave now..you are missing other opportunities to meet people..time goes quickly, chances of meeting people appear and then disappear..waiting will do nothing except that you'll be older. Good luck! Happy Saturday! :)

Sara, I've just got wind of this. I'm not going to add anything new, just to tell you that I'm sorry it's not working out the way you wanted it to, and I hope you resolve it one way or another soon. Just remember though: there is life without babies, although I know you find that hard to believe. Think hard: What do you want more? But you know me - always was a sucker for love ;) Love ya honey. :)xx

realise better today than 10 years from now... if not today then tomorow will never come.

Leave while you can. I stuck it out for 8 years with my ex-boyfriend thinking he would change. He didn't and it was hard, but I had to leave in order to move on with my life a nd what I wanted.

just dump him

i havent read all the current 39 answers so i do apologise if i repeat anyones points (sorry =]) i think you both need to discuss it more (im sure it has already been a hot topic) does he love you enough to accept your views? do you love him enough to accept that he is not ready? possibly in the hope that one day he will realise you are the one he wants to settle down with, some people just dont want the cosy family life, if that is the case for him you could either wait it out in hope or lave to find someone else who would share your dream (although i am sure 2 years of love is not easy to abandon) this is a question only the two of you can sort out. good luck

sara, you just weigh out the good and the bad...good on one side and bad on the other.when the bad outweighs the good its time to move on...besides isnt it better to find out now how he really feels than later down the road???

mabey hes just saying that b/c hes not ready NOW. and hes scared ? id stick it out for a little longer. tell him that YOU want kids & marriage. tell him if he doesnt feel the same or reconsider than mabey you two need to seperate .

Well, first I'd suggest asking him why he doesn't want to get married or have children -- people have all sorts of reasons. After 2 years -- a relatively short time, relationship-wise -- he may just not be ready for that kind of thing, maybe he hasn't even thought about it. But if you both just end up wanting completely different things -- just tell him outright that you want to break up and why.

I am going to counter with a question of my own; why did you stay with him so long? My wife knew right off the bat that I wasn't big on the idea of parenthood, though marriage was a possibility if we still felt the same about each other after a few years. Did you think that it was a phase that he would grow out of? Unlikely, as those are pretty deep-seated things. Did you think you could change him? Not only does that run into the problems of deep-seatedness as above, but is also rather disrespectful of who he is as a person. Maybe YOU need to figure out what is REALLY important to you here. Relationships are about compromise. If he is perfect in all other ways then accept his flaws and stick around. If it really IS a deal breaker then be honest, just walk, and accept that your next mate will likely have other, different flaws.

If having children and getting married is something that is important to you and your boyfriend does not want that then it might be time to rethink your options. At the very least, he is being honest with you. You owe it to him to be honest with him about how you feel about children and marriage. You should put all your cards on the table and let him know how you feel. Whatever you do, do not try to trap him into having kids. Men despise that and that can only lead to diaster. Know that there are lots of dudes out there that want to have children and settle down. It's not the end of the world being single. The right one will come along eventually.

If you really do want to have kids and marry, maybe it's a good idea to find someone else. If your boyfriend just doesn't want kids, you can't stay with him forever.

If having kids is a deal breaker, then it is a deal breaker. If you continue in the relationship still wishing you could have kids, then eventually you will come to resent him for keeping you from the joy of having children. You will constantly be playing the "what if, if only" scenarios through your head. Judging from the fact that you said he is 31, I am assuming that you are about the same age, you need to leave sooner rather than later as your biological clock is truly ticking. Only you can decide whether you can give up on having children. If you can't, you have to go. I know that leaving when you are generally happy is difficult, and that you are horribly torn between him and a possible future with children, but if you really want to have children and he really doesn't, take your courage in both hands, tell him how you feel and why you are leaving and just do it! Kids are worth it. Good luck

If you definitely want marriage and children, then yes this is a deal breaker. Believe me you cannot change people, and if he feels strongly enough about not getting married or having children and communicated that to you than he means it, and he's not the one for you. You will find someone else just as good who wants the same things you want. Be patient and have fun finding him.

you are lucky you dont have any i have one and my boyfriend treats me like sh**. i mean he finacially takes care of me but feeling and kindness wise no way i mean he told me that if i got preg again i would pretty much be a fat ass.if you dont want to marry me or have a family with me then puff off . maybe and not being mean but that is his way of telling you its over.

This is a deal breaker honey bunch and you have to break up. You say it yourself - huge issues. They are. There is no future with this man - remember the Belinda Carlisle song "we dream the same dream we want the same things...(etc)" ? I've decided that is exactly how I want to feel about the right man when he comes along as that is how it should be. If you don't have the same dreams and ambitions for your relationship after 2 yrs you are on separate paths already, you just want it confirmed. I just broke up with my boyfriend of 2 years for the same reason - see my posts xx

You need to think about what is best for you and your future. It is hard to let go sometimes but if you do not share the same wants, desires and goals in life you need to let go. Say you stay with him, will you one day look back and regret that you never got married and never had kids or do you want to take the chance at meeting someone that will give you the life you want and deserve. Don't sell yourself short, you may be happy now but these huge issues won't go away. I broke up with someone for the very same reason, it was difficult to do but I needed to look out for myself and so do you.

Are you single again Sara without the H?

It is best to break up now and go through all of the pain and sadness (but stay strong during this time, don't go back to him!) and then be able to go after what you want. I think you encountered this man so you would learn to discuss these issues VERY early in the relationship. It is really hard to find this out so late in the game once your heart is already involved but you will just end up resenting him if he doesn't give you what you want. You will enevitably end up unhappy and taking it out on him, which may lead to a break up anyways. Best to end it now and be strong. You are what is most important here! Don't sacrifice your needs or goals for anyone.

That is a tough one, leaving some one you love, because they just aren't right for you, I think it means sitting him down for long talk and letting him know that it is a deal breaker that you do want to be married and have kids and that if he truely does not then it is timefor the two of you to part ways in the manner of being lovers. good luck to you I know it will be hard.

These are deal breakers...

i have a friend who is in the same situation. she lives with her boyfriend but he says he will never marry her. well they ended up breaking up and he said that now all they do is have sex and she worships him and she's begging for him back. so if i was you i would sit down and talk with him about it and if he isn't willing to marry you or have children with you maybe it would be better for the two of you to break up. i know thats hard to hear but you need someone better.

masturbate. it is fun.

This a very big question and I agree that you two must talk it out. Both of you should share why you want kids and marriage at this point in your life and why he doesn't. There are two things that seem to be going on from the way you stated your question. One is his deciding or atleast saying that for the moment and his forsee-able future he has decided not to pursue either. The other is your desire for a husband and kids at this point. The fact that you state that you are happy despite these issues, is the reason I suggest you should search deeply for the answer to the your desire to be married and have kids part of the question. I think once you figured out the answers to those questions then you'll have a better. Idea of whether to stick around or keep searching. Whether its a commitment issue, desire issue or principle issue is very important to your decision. For example if you are happy now but feel your BF is not willing to commit to the relationship then that will eventually turn the happiness into bitterness. Another example maybe that it is just the idea that you want to get married and have kids someday. Then you have to decide is your overall desire to reach those goals more important then your current happiness. My point is that it is very important when making this kind of decision that you explore the "why" you feel the way you do about these issues. Doing so will allow you understand how critical the issues are and if desire is more important than what you two have now. It will also give you the confidence to assure yourself of your decision. As for courage to leave any relationship. Besides what I suggested in this post, you should also realize that the "courage" comes from willing to let go of what you have become familiar and comfortable with in exchange for a better chance at your desires and goals. I know I have given no definative answers here but that is because each relationship is different, people are different and the answers of one person and not the answers for others. Take care and I hope for you the best in whatever decision you make.

omg! I just saw the movie 4 Christmas', and this topic is in the movie. GO see it. Sometimes guys say these sort of things because they are just ScAred! I dont know how old he is, or his family background, but past experiences or immaturity can definately effect the way one views the whole marriage and kid thing. These are very important issues for you to consider in him, but the fact that you are really happy is what is really important at this moment. His views may change. I know of several men who were totally against marriage/kids, and they have turned out to be the most wonderful husband and father. Dont let this concern bother you too much right now. Happiness is the main key, so enjoy it while you have it, and you may just be pleasantly surprised in the near future! Best Wishes

you have to chose between your heart and your hearts desire. If a family is what you want, then HE stands between you and what would make you happiest! I have children and there is no man on this earth i would give them up for. Also, this is a HUGE red flag of an extremely selfish person.

I think you sit him down talk about the problem, and if he still has the same feelings then its time to leave. You might be happy now but what happens down the road when your ready to have children and get married. Trust me when I say life is to short to waste it on someone who isn't the one you see having a family with you.

Here ya go:

Your age would probably help in this situation...If you're a teen than of course he's gonna have cold feet! If you're a little older than that why screw up a good thing give it some time let him grow up a little bit... He just hasn't been affected by outside forces yet(carrying on his legacy, his parents, the family Jewels). If you're older than 30 ditch the douche bag!

well, you need to tell how you feel first. if both of you can't figure something out then it's time to look for greener pastures

It looks like someone is making a big mistake. IF I were you, I would stick with him. Who wants children anyway? Kids are a stress factor and responsibility. Don't end a relationship over something petty.

Honey He'll grow out of it if you love him and he loves you like you think then kids and marriage is the least of your worries in life.

You are right. It IS a deal breaker, but beyond that, it's most probable that he is giving you the opportunity to make the break first. When a guy comes up with something like this suddenly, it's their way of starting the ball rolling towards a break up. Good luck!

I don't feel you're being honest with yourself. Maybe it's not honesty, but consistency. Because you can't be happy, and want to leave your current state, as happiness is a state of fulfillment, from which you don't want to ever leave. You also call it a deal breaker. that implies a deal. There is no such a thing as an assumed deal, so there must have been a big talk, where those issues were addresses. If they were not addressed, then you made no such deal to be broken, and you are essentially aknowledging the lack of foundations where you based your relationship, meaning, recognizing a past dishonesty. I guess it is ok to try to make ammends now, even by bringing suffering to third-parties. Remember this is all assuming no deal was made. Now, about the main question. You're obviously not happy, and I believe you already decided. You're probably feeling guilty, because you care for the person, but not enough to stand by that person in tough times. And this is a tough time, where you are confronting your kidless future and are weighing benefits against inconveniences and estimating that being with that person simply is a bad deal. If you feel like that, there is simply no reason to be with the person. I personally think it is sad to feel like that. We should be with a person that really can elicit happiness in us. happiness is not on the outside, in what you have, it comes from you. So if you feel happiness when you're with your loved-one, you have no reason to leave, to get things. You should recognize that your essentially making an option that really doesnt concern the specific person, and that's sad. You're choosing between your romantic love and your mother role. You're saying it is more important and it's a better cause for happiness, to be a mother, than to be , let's say, a wife. In ojective terms, it doesn't really matter where you get inspiration for happiness from, just as long as you get it. But it feels weird to me, that you don't pick the person with whom you will probably pass the majority of your time on earth. It's the person you sleep with, that existed before any kids, and that will still exist (in principle) after the kids have left home. It's called a life-partner. To me, it is a priority. A life-partner is the supreme value, apart from my own life, of course (I have to have my life to be able to enjoy having a partner in the first place). But it is a solitary, lonely decision, that you will have to make, and be fully responsible for. Are you basing your life on already proven love, and proven happiness (that's what you say you feel...) or on other to-exist people that will not necessarily even be good people in your life (part of it actually)? Also consider that people can change, and I don't know how you feel about adoption, but to me it seems very honorable, and it would a be a possibility for that person you're with, in a more mature age. So yeah, you can even have it all (unless you're really specific about how you have it all, and that is a self-limiting decision you're responsible for). Get your priorities straight. I wish you the best.

If you are happy the way you are, why break it off for reasons that are so far away? You never know what can happen in the future, kids are a tricky subject, he can and probably will change his mind in time. My opinion is, if you two are happy, open, honest with each other, don't let that go. There are too many kids on this planet anyways. On the other hand..if he proposes to you and STILL doesnt want children, then I would start to worry and probably find another path.

well this is a huge issue.... u say u r really happy but would u still be happy many yaerz later whn u r all alone with no husbend or kidz of ur own?!.

Obviously you arent happy or you wouldnt ask the question in the first place be brave and do what you want If he is afraid of marrige his issues could be more deep rooted and he could be an abuser.Is he Is what you should ask yourself an abuser? look it up and look for red flags.if you get red flags black flag him.

Unless you want to get married and have children right now, there is no problem, he may change his mind in a few years time. have a talk about it,if there is no hope and he says there is no chance of him ever changing his mind then you need to say that you want these things in your future and that you feel although you are happy at the moment with him, you cant be with him knowing the future doesnt have what you want in it.

By putting yourself first and realizing that these two issues are very important to you and that you deserve to have a wonderful husband and children as well. Remember, their are a lot of fish in the sea, and many fisherman above the waters waiting for a catch~

it will never be easy so you just have to do it. remember that song by usher called, "let it burn"? that about sums it up. people are so afraid of the....pain. pain will not kill us. we just have to cooperate with it. remember the goal...you want a full, whole life. and this is the way to it. don't give up your dream now. you will resent him in the end.

Well you say you are happy in the relationship ,except for the huge issues ,well if he will not marry you or have children with you .and you want both there is not an issue you move on .so ask him straight up and if it is the same answer you are getting ,there are plenty of other fish in the sea .GOOD LUCK