My parents are going through a divorce and I'm being blamed for all of this mess. Is it really my fault? Who do I tell and what do I tell them?
by 
Kyogre-Stataen
ANSWERS: 61
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No! It is not your fault. And shame on your parents for offloading their baggage onto you. Find an adult you trust (minister, family member, school counsellor etc) and talk it out with them. You need strategies to cope with this sad situation. But remember, it is rarely if ever the fault of the child. It is the fault of two adults who are behaving like children.
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Chances are, it's probably not your fault, but I'm not going to make any assumptions, but I can assume one thing, your parents will be a whole lot better when they're apart than when they're together, I speak from experience, I thought it was the worst thing that ever happened when my parents got divorced, I was thirteen, things seemed ten times more dramatic than they really were. Anyway, talk to each parent as if you were the parent and they were the child, DON'T CRY, just speak clearly, they'll take you more seroiusly that way. What you tell them is simple, just say that you don't think they're making the right decision if that's your opinion, if not than express your opinion about the matter, but most importantly have both of your parents explan why they think they're getting a divorce, if they blame it on you, then all you have to do is apologize to them and do your best to move on. But I think after having this conversation with each of your parents individually, you'll feel a whole lot better.
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It is very irresponsible for your parents to blame you for the mess they're in. They have no business trying to lay that guilt on you...very childish and immature.
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Need more information before I can say if it's your fault. But, I really doubt it. If a couple is divorcing , there is usually a root cause, and it is most likely an issue between them. Unless of course, you were selling drugs out of the house and pimping your sister. That could cause some tension that could lead to divorce. I really doubt it's do to you.
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This is not your fault. And who ever is telling you this needs their butt kicked. You need to go to your school counciler and tell them what's going on. This is emotional abuse and needs to be stopped right away.
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I need to ask. Have they come right out and told you that it's your fault or is it anger that you're picking up from that makes you feel like they're blaming you? There's a big difference. Divorces are messy for all involved. People do get hurt. Children (even if at adult age when their parents divorce) become go-betweens for parents who don't know how to behave and aren't coping well. Their divorce is not your fault. Don't ever feel like it is. Tell them how much they're hurting you and that you want them to sort out their problems without making you feel guilty. Once the divorce is through things will get better for you. I know you shouldn't be expected to take the responsibility but keep in mind that your parents may be struggling to cope with the rollercoaster of the divorce. Good luck with this situation and I do hope it improves for you.
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don't feel bad.these mf were not meant to be together anyways.
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Whether they flat out said, "It's your fault" or if you only think it is, I'd imagine that in your own mind you've already convinced yourself that every little wrong thing youve ever done led to this divorce. "If only I did this..." "If only I never did that..." What you need to know is that it doesn't matter if you got drunk and high every night, dropped out of school, wrecked your parent's car and set the house on fire. Your actions do not make it your fault that they split. If they have decided that the marital glue has come undone and they choose not to try and fix it, that's their own problem, not yours. People who truely love and cherish each other, who WANT and NEED to be together, stay together no matter what turmoil comes their way. Hang in there, kid, and STOP BLAMING YOURSELF!
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First off that doesnt seem very mature of the parents they cant just blame a child for not being able to make things work themselves. If fate wanted them to work then they would have but it didnt and that is not your fault. secondly ask why it is your fault and if its not a good reason defend yourself!!!
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that is horrible! so not true, and very immature. tell them to stop being so childish and try to work out their problems in a more adult way
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This is total baloney. I hope neither one of them gets custody of you and you go to a nice foster home where logical, reasonable people take care of you.
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You are acting much older than they are and you need to tel them that. They are idiots. It's all their fault. Jesus, please help this family that is going through these hard times. Help them find the right solution to their problems. Amen. I hope this helps. I am praying for you.
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Hey guys it's me again. I just wanted to say how I'm grateful for everyone who helped out through my problem. Now my parents are taking this more mature and took this up to family court. Although it was still hard, I feel so much better now that the pressure is off of me. Even though that I may never see my parents together again, I still look forward to the better. Once again AB users who helped me out, I just wanted to say Thank you...
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Of course it's not your fault. You are responsible for your own conduct and your parents are responsible for their own conduct. They decided to get married. They decided to have you. They decided to break up. You are responsible for your school grades, not their marriage grade. If they ar the ones blaming you they are trying to avoid taking responsibility for their own conduct. They are portraying themselves as victims. True, they are victims of thier own conduct.
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We get dealt a bad hand when were born, it's not like we get to pick out our parents, a lot of us are born unto adult adolescents, and yes, there is such a thing. Actually your not at fault, your to young to be responsible for adult situations, and their casting blame reflects their inability to be good parents, the divorce is just confirmation of that fact. Many of us are programed to honor thy mother and father, which is total bullsh!t, respect and honor should be given out based on the parents performance, thus, if your parents do not respect, honor or show love and compassion for you... you are therefore not required to return them any favors. Look out for yourself, if they won't help lookout for you.
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Someone needs to get a mirror and take a long look into it. Blaming kids for divorce if a cheap out. It's like blaming my dog for my business failing. there may be some blame to be shared, just not by you. Take yourself off the hook if they are not man/woman enough to.
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You should ask yourself if it really is your fault. It probably is not. A divorce is a hard thing to go through, you should get with your friends and talk with them. You should tell your parents that it is not your fault.
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Tell them to seek help as you are a by product of their love.
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Did they tell you this or is this how you feel? If they told you, then someday you might want to consider divorcing them. Thats a whole nother subject my dear. Either way your parents personal life should have nothing to do with you. Stay out of it as best you can, no advice, never speak your opinion regarding their marriage. No one knows what goes on behind closed doors. Just be their child. Seek help from someone you trust, you need to talk this out, soon if not already you will be the target of their abuse.
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Wow how rough. No, it isn't ANY of your fault. None of their decision making is your fault in any way, shape or form. For anyone to blame it on you disgusts me. Do you mind me asking how old you are? It always angers me when people blame their kids for their poor decision making. Kyogre-Stataen, it is NOT your fault. And don't let them tell you it is. THEY are the adults. THEY are the parents. To blame it on their kid... Man oh man, does that make me heated. I'm SO sorry you have to go through that mess. It's not fair to you. You didn't/don't deserve any of that.
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Keep in mind that they CHOSE to be together. You didn't have a choice.
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Let them continue to blame you. When you turn 18 you can move out and be on your own and they will certainly feel bad then :)
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You don't specify how you are being blamed but I can tell you 2 things: 1) If your parent's marriage was a good, healthy relationship nothing you could do would tear it apart. 2) If your parents do not have a good healthy relationship the things you do can make them feel worse or make it more difficult but it is THAT PARENT'S INABILITY TO COPE which actually makes it more difficult, not you. Let's face it, nobody is perfect so you will make errors. I still don't listen to my Mom or Dad very well and I have 2 kids of my own, lol. *The flip side to that is even if you did behave 'perfectly' it would do nothing to change your parent's divorce.* I know nothing we can say can make your situation better but hopefully you won't feel so alone and this will back up what someone in your life is telling you. Talk to someone around you, divorce and the feelings of inadequacy, confusion, blame, hurt, etc. is all too common these days.
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How in the hell could it be your fault? Whatever it is that THEY did to cause the divorce scenario could not have much to do with you, because it was their actions that put them to where they are today. And, if in some remote way, they involved you in it, it is still their actions, not yours, that caused that as well. If they ask you a question or made a comment to you about the divorce, than they have to be prepared to accept your answer)s). If not, don't ask the question or don't make the comment. Anyone that blames their children for their inability to cope and function is immature and does not like the necessity of accountability. It is their bed that they made and they now have to lay in it; you should have been, and still should be, in the next room. Tell them to get their act together and grow up. Their acting like the kid and forcing you to act like the adult. How unfair of them ! They are selfish, selfish, selfish. Gee, what a surprise that they can't get along.
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There is someone available through your school or something who cn help you, let your adviser, or a teacher you trust know what is up, they'll help you get help. You are not powerful enough to break, or fix them. Take care of yourself, 'cuz sometimes no one else will.
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NO WAY! You are not to blame for anything having to do with your parents' relationship!!! That is their doing. I feel sorry for you because it sounds as though you are being used as a scapegoat. That's horrible! I'm glad you're talking to us here on AB, but I hope you can also find a counselor, therapist, clergy or friend(s) to help you through this. Take care, buddy. I'm so sorry. I wish I could give you a big hug.
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Oh no. It is definitely not your fault for a divorce. I know how you feel though. My parents broke up without marriage, and I thought it was because they had me and it made the relationship difficult. But you are absolutely not to blame. The divorce issue is only and is always only between your parents. Nobody should tell you that this is your fault. I'm sorry you feel this way.
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None of it is your fault. I has nothing to do with you. They should already know that. But try to tell them how you feel.
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Your parents are jerks for blaming you. It's impossible to be responsible for their divorce and it's a cop out on their parts. They need to take responsiblity for their own actions. In this case, they are acting very immature. You should speak with a school counselor and clergy person to help you get through this. You may not think you need help but trust me, it will help you to talk about it. I've been where you are and I know your pain. When they say it's your fault you can tell them you understand they are both going through a hard time but they need to take responsiblity for themselves and exclude you from their quarrels. You are an innocent bystander.
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One day, your parents will be in wheelchairs on top of a really big hill, then you'll have your revenge. Just remember: IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT. Your parents are going to feel really, really, bad about this one day.
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Two words, honey: "Nursing Home"
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It doesn't matter what you did or didn't do. How good or how bad you have behaved. You can't...CAN NOT be held responsible for the ending of your parents relationship. That is a choice they are making and it is all about them. Tell yourself this over and over everyday because you are the only one who needs to really understand this. They may or may not feel bad about the burden they have wrongly put on you. Meanwhile don't you take up and carry a guilt that is NOT your own.
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No it is not your fault. Their relationship is their own, and you are not responsible if it doesn't work out. Just tell them that you are not going to accept the blame for their relationship ending, and that you refuse to be caught in the middle anymore than you have to be, or forced to take sides.
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I cannot see how that is possible at all.
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its absolutely not your fault!!! your parents shouldn't blame you for this! its their fault if they want to split. you should talk to an adult that you can trust like your grandma, aunt or maybe a member of staff and tell them all that is happening at the moment, and they might help you, maybe talk to your parents. Hope this gets better soon. :)
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You are not at fault for your parents divorce. If they are trying to blame you, it is only because they are desperately trying not to blame 1)themselves, because nobody likes to be wrong, 2)their spouse, because they are probably trying to blame someone else in order to preserve the marriage. Tell them to get some counseling, because they need help!
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I was also in the middle when my parents were getting a divorce and that was 8 years ago an iam still in the middle. its like being a messenger. I wish i would have known this when i was younger but you just need to tell YOUR PARENTS straight up how you feel and the pain it is causin you. But dont be disrespectful. you want to tell them asap or it will only get worse and no matter how nice you say it they will say how you are being a "brat" an how much things they have provided for you but tell them thats not what you are here to talk about you are there to say how you are feeling and them falling apart has NOTHING to do with you. Hopefully they see the heartache you are going through and decide to make things better.
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That is such bullshit!!!! Dont ever let your parents make you belive you are the reason for their marital problems. The only reason for their divorce is their own!
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The problem isn't with you it belongs to your parents. Don't let them blame you for problems they can't work out. The next time they accuse you I would remind them that they didn't say "I do" to you.
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Don't let them blame you for problems they can't work out. When my parents divorced I moved out until everything was settled. Do yourself a favor don't be around when they argue.
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WhatEVER. That's mind-boggling nonsense. Don't let them do that to you.
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No, it is not your fault the marriage ended and never is the children's fault ,the marriage just didnt work for them .
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First of all, your parents should be completely ashamed of themselves for trying to mask the fact that they could no longer make their marriage work. Just remember, everyone always says it takes two to make a marriage work, but it also takes two to destroy one. Not 3.
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If 2 people divorce...it is NEVER the fault of the child (no matter the age of the child). And just my 2 cents, any parent who tells their child that it's their fault is pretty shi**y. It is their marriage...not your and their marriage. Any problem that comes up between them should be handled by them, not you and them. Consequently any blame for the failure of the marriage is between them, not you and them.
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It isn't your fault. You yourself have nothing to do with the decision your parents have made or not made. When my parents got their divorce no one ever told me it was my fault but since I was so young and so confused, often times I thought maybe I did things to make them upset and yell and end up yelling at each other. As I got older and had my own relationships I realized that ultimately my actions, as well as the guys, are what make or break my relationships. Not others outside of the relationship. I don't think I would turn this into an argument ever with them because you know that it isn't you, it's them.
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It is never a child's fault, the odds are the problem has always been there but they never wanted to deal with it while it could still have been fixed.
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Your parents need to own up to their OWN mistakes instead of blaming everyone in sight. I would either tell a counselor or you could do what I did when my parents divorced. I called my dad's attorney and told him everything he did that led up to the divorce. Shortly after that call dad's attorney dropped him like a hot potato. Don't let anyone blame you for anything. I imagine your parents had their differences along time before you were even born.
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In no way is your parents divorce your fault! YOU are not that powerful.No matter what it is NOT your fault. They are the adults not you and it is their relationship not yours. They are responsible for whatever state it is in. Try reading the book Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. It may help in all aspects and relationships you have yet to experience.You didn't cause it,You didn't create it and You can't control it. God Bless you're in my thoughts and prayers.
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I am so sorry to hear about the divorce. It is not your fault. Your parents are not claiming resonsiblity. That is why they are getting a divorce. They are babies, blaming all their problems on others. Don't worry, it is not your fault. If you need someone to talk to, I would go to a church and find the pastor. If you need a good church, reply back and I could look in your area and find a nice church you could go to.
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It is NOT your fault. It is very usual for children to blame themselves for the divorce of their parents if the parents have not made it clear that it is not the case. Ask both your parents NOT to ask you to take sides. You have my sympathy and I hope by now things have calmed down for you.
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It is not your fault, unless you've deliberately tried to pit one against the other in some form or fashion, in which case you're in need of strong correction. Otherwise, They were around before you, and thus should work toward a solution within their relationship above and apart from you. Have they considered going to church?
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Of course it isnt your fault. They made their own mistakes and they have to be honest with themselves. If anyone is to be blamed its your parents and they should understand what you are going through.
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It all means that your parents are not capable of handling difficult situations
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What happens between parents is never the fault of the child. Unfortunately, a child often becomes the target of the parents as it is a way of one parent hurting the other. Either that, or if the parents do not live together any longer, hurting the child is a way of exercising all the anger and resentment that builds up during the breakdown of the marriage. It is sad but you must be resilient and make a secure life for yourself and know that you are not alone.
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Oh hun. I have been thru a divorce and I have two children. My divorce had nothing to do with my kids. We both love them so much. Im not sure who is blaming you but NO its not your fault! Sometime people just fall out of love.
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Children are NEVER to blame for their parent's divorce. You tell them both to take responsibility and quit blaming you.
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It is not your fault this is between your parents and not you. Sometimes parents say and do dumb things they regret later. They are so mad at each other right now and dont want to take any responsibility as to what the problem really is they are taking it out on you. Divorce is ugly and adults do and say stupid things. If they blame you then they feel better about themselves by telling themselves they did nothing wrong. Trust me YOU DID NOTHING... Just ignore them and maybe talking to someone would do you good.. get your feelings out... but dont worry it isnt about you ...good luck
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If you can talk to each them that's what you should do. You should say something like, "I've been reading about how parents should never blame their divorce on their kids. It's really bothering me that you are blaming me for this, and I'd like to sign up with a counselor to help me sort out what really is or isn't my fault. It's too much for me to deal with alone." See what they say. The reason I mention a counselor for you is not that I think there's something wrong with you. It's because I believe a person in your situation could use the help of a counselor, who may identify your parents' bad behavior and help speak on your behalf to them. If they don't agree to set up an appointment with a counselor for you, maybe you should talk to the counselor at school and say you don't know what you should or can do right now.
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NO NO NO NO Don't you for one minute think that any divorce is your fault. Even if you have misbehaved horribly it is your parents fault for not providing discipline early. God never made a bad kid. And you are not bad. I am so sorry that you are going through such a hard time in your life. Kids are always hurt in divorce. Find someone you trust to talk to. Or reply to me here. You are not at fault. If you have behaved badly or disrespectfully, apologize and change your actions. Talk to both parents.
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I can't believe that. If you are honestly being blamed and are not just blaming yourself, that is criminal.
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can you stay with your grandma or a friend until they stop?
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