First be proud of yourself for getting out of the abbusive relationship - and give yourself time to heal - You will really enjoy being here on AB

First be proud of yourself for getting out of the abbusive relationship - and give yourself time to heal - You will really enjoy being here on AB

You are a very strong person for leaving him, and I applaud your courage. Perhaps you had returned in the past because you thought he had changed. People can grow and progress on their own, but they will never EVER change. You can influence a person until you are blue in the face, but you cannot change them. At the very core of a person, they will remain they way they have always been. This kind of abuse is an entire mind set and an entire way of viewing the world and disrespecting you and other people. It nearly impossible for him to make this drastic a change, and if he does at first, he will soon fall back into his old ways. You have nothing to gain and everything to lose if you return to him. Please, think of what you need in your life, and ask yourself what you DO NOT need. Dont ever settle for something you dont deserve. An ex is an EX for a reason! Please REMEMBER THOSE REASONS every time you think of returning. I wish you luck and I hope this has helped.

Join a club, call a friend, all the usual stuff - and kick you own self in the ass and be a grown-up - I assume you are a grown-up. Is there something obviously hideous about you? Do you have some horrible, awful defect? Is he some kind of God or something? What would make you worthy of abuse and him so special it's his job to dole it out? As long as you take this, it's what you're going to take. Is this really how you want to spend your life? Don't roll over and expect someone else to live your life for you and make it better - they won't, Kick your own self in the ass! The only thing that makes you a loser is letting someone waste your precious life treating you like a loser. Oh and good luck, really, I know where you're coming from.

forget anything you ever liked or loved about him if you think of those things then you forget the abuse part. dont be afraid of him anymore if you do that then youll go back because of being afraid of what hell do if you dont. ure out and that is the first step the hardest is not returning.when that happened to me i kept going back but i turned my love into hate although hate isnt always good but even now i see him all the time and everytime i see him i just think of how much i hate him even at times i miss him i just remind myself of how much i hate him for what he did to me

There must be something you like about this person. If it's money, find someone that makes a lot of money. If it's looks, find someone else with good looks. There has to be something there about this person that keeps you coming back but this time, I'm glad to hear you call it quit. There are many people in this world. Go take some college classes, join a club or even a fellowship. You'll meet someone right in no time!

Nicole Simpson, need I say more??? You don't want to end up like her so please don't press your luck. I was in an abusive relationship too I know how it is but the sex ain't worth it. You will find better, you deserve better but only you can keep from becoming the next statistic for battered & abused relationships.

G'day yuzubergamot, Thank you for your question. I would find a counsellor, a family member or a good friend and talk it over with them. In fact, if you have a number of people who will be there if you need it, it will be a great help. Try and write out all the times that you were abused and all of the times he or she promised that things would improve and what happened afterwards. I have attached some links that should prove to be useful. Best wishes Reference Justice for Women http://www.justicewomen.com/tips_escape.html Womens Law http://www.womenslaw.org/ How to guide to escaping domestic violence http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/42520/the_battered_womans_how_to_guide_to.html Domestic abuse prevention http://incestabuse.about.com/od/domesticabuse/Domestic_Abuse_Prevention.htm

I understand very well. I have gone back now for the third time and am having a hard time getting out now...I want to but am afraid of what will happen if I do. Afraid of what will happen to my children and me. Where will we go and what will happen again?

Why keep going back to an abusive relationship? You say you 'cannot go back'. What do you mean by this? Do you want to? I don't think so. If you 'cannot go back'......DONT!!!!

Thank you all for your support. You have no idea what this means to me. I know I am not the only one in the world with these issues. Honestly though, I am terrified what this person will do. The last time I called it quits, they went through my voice mails(Which I had no idea they had access too.) They even called the numbers of two people that were on there to see if they were love interests. She then began to incessantly call my cell phone, then my house phone which I didn't answer(I knew none of this until later). I moved back with my parents because of this person, so my family was a little shaken when she called the house. I ended up in a verbal altercation with this person at work(We worked in the same hospital but different units) But I continued on in a relationship with them, just not living with them anymore. But things got even worse. I have written a 6 page letter that described the abuse. It was horrible when I read it. What can I expect next? I already got a text message saying "Miss you." on Monday which would be one week I have escaped this person again. Now what?

Please don't waste another day in an abusive relationship. I wasted 10 years. My ex became verbally abusive on our wedding night. I thought that he would get better the longer we were together. Boy, was I wrong. He got meaner and meaner. He began putting his medication into my cans of diet coke. I started blacking out and being rushed to the hospital. The doctors said that it must be a drug interaction. They asked me what I had taken. I told them, they asked if my spouse had any medications? I said yes. They asked what, sure enough his medications mixed with mine could be lethal. After 6 or more blackouts my doctor told me to move out before I died. I really was shocked I was afraid of the unknown and afraid to die. My clergy told me twice to file for divorce. The EMT's knew me by name. They tried to get me to press charges against him. The last time was the last time. It took the ICU 1 1/2 hours to stabilize me. My ex said that I had voluntarily shut my veins down so that I couldn't get an IV. The doctors called for a Social Worker to come and talk to me. I was afraid what my ex would do, so I didn't talk to her. I promised the doctors that I would file for divorce immediately. I already had an appointment with an attorney. I filed for divorce. He stalked me his cross dresser boyfriend stalked me. His brother stalked me and a man I don't recognize stalked me every day for 3 months. I finally called my ex and said if that white Chevy truck follows me once more I am going to flip around and run into it. When the police come I will tell them that he has been stalking me for 3 months. I didn't car if I got a ticket, I would be able to press charges against him. Sure enough the white truck never followed me again. Coincidence?? I doubt it. He is a psychopath. He gets his kicks from abusing women and animals. He beat his german shephard with a rake on more than one occassion. When ever he got chewed out by people in his family he would come home and take it out on me. When things were good he hung out with his boyfriend. We never shared a bathroom, slept on different floors of the house. He preferred TV to romance. If any of this sounds familiar I beg you run for your life.

I was in a 3 year all around abusive relationship too. I would leave & then go back,leave & go back. It was a vicious cycle & I didn't understand why I kept going back as well. They only thing that really did it was they day we really got into it on Main St. where we grew up. It got so bad that day I decided to press charges & get a PFA (protectioon against further abuse). It lasted a year & a half. He was not allowed to come within a certain amount of feet, no calls, nothing. Stick to your guns & know in your heart & head that this person is NO GOOD & you deserve better!

Please do NOT go back. If you need a place to be until you can relocate, call a Domestic Violence program today. Don't believe any promises, "I'm sorry" or other behaviour that often follows violence. My mother became angry at me because of the few weeks of good behavior and sobriety. I visited them when we took my in-laws oto visit a brother so I showed up unexpectedly and found my mother in the hospital after violence. Before i left that visit, I wrote him a long note about "if this is love, then you've never taught or showed me what love is." After reading that and showing it to mother, he said, "that means that I have to leave now." He left for 3 months and she was angry at me for over a year and I know it was because of my letter she missed out on the 6 weeks of good behaviour. IF YOU HAVE CHILDREN PLEASE STAY AWAY AND GET DIVORCED. "It was like sitting in a giant ice block in a shadowy room. I was freezing-cold and dark fear surrounded me and filled my body and soul. I can still hear my little brother crying and begging, “Daddy, please don’t shoot Mama. Please don’t.” His words spoke my thoughts and the tears in his eyes mirrored mine that Sunday afternoon. He squeezed my hand and both of us were trembling. The shotgun that our father pointed at our mother’s head was like a giant canon. We were prisoners of war that day, 52 years ago. Daddy, 34, was a good and loving man when he was sober. He was a weekend binge-drinking alcoholic who always stayed out until his favorite bar closed every Friday and Saturday night. He didn’t store his whiskey or beer in the house but we knew that he kept a bottle hidden somewhere in the garage, garden shed, or a similar hideaway. When we arrived home from attending church that day, he was drunk---not happy-drunk, but mean-drunk. Mother, 32, always prepared part of the Sunday dinner before we left for church. Consequently, it didn’t take very long to serve it. She asked me to help with the task, I believe, more because she didn’t want to be alone with Daddy than because she needed my help. My sister and brothers disappeared somewhere until called in for dinner. Everybody wanted to avoid being near the “drunk.” A study by the National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse found that “Children of substance-abusing parents are almost three times more likely to be abused and more than four times more likely to be neglected than children of parents who are not substance abusers.” Add to that the fact that children of alcoholics, especially the oldest child, often become adults who are substance abusers. And, they often replicate their parent’s domestic violence. The horrific scene of that Sunday afternoon is still etched in my memory and stamped on my heart. Four prisoners-of-war, ages 9 to 14, we were sitting on the couch in our living room watching our father and our mother, the fifth POW, sitting in chairs facing us while he held the barrel of a loaded shotgun aimed at her face. Every day, children are held hostage, terrified and abused in their homes. The abuse is physical, psychological, emotional, and verbal; just as it was in our home. When parents terrorize their children, the severe emotional child abuse is traumatic and invisible. A report by the Florida Center for Parent Involvement says, “Although emotional abuse can hurt as much as physical abuse, it can be harder to identify because the marks are left on the inside instead of the outside.” Can be read at www.selfgrowth.com by typing in Fear Imprisons the Hearts of Children (I wrote it and give permission for the above section of it to be used on this question and site.) The first year of marriage my husband hit me one afternoon and I demanded strongly that 'ever again' and I will leave you. I had learned that week that I was pregnant. The 13th year of our marriage, he hit and almost strangled me to death twice in one month just after arriving home from 'counseling' with our paster after we had had a dozen appointments together. Two of our children heard all from their room downstairs and also they talked about it. (I learned that after the divorce.) The emotional damage to them was hurtful and unforgetable. I left the next day with our 4 year old and the divorce and sale of our home (a true loss for older children) and moved to the next town. He had every other weekend visitation and every return of the children ended with an argument. Fear of his sudden anger or being killed as several area women and children had been killed, I moved two states away, " back home" then great job, moving to job, staying two years until the 1% tax initiative was voted on and I was the highest level that the City of Davis, California had to terminate so I returned to Idaho. The anger never happened again. In fact the second year back, I invited him in for Christmas dinner with all the family when oldest child was 15. Those two children were always affected by the fear and the divorce but the fear of pain never left them, even with a lot of counseling later. It happened two evening but had traumatized the them My youngest daughter, has often told me, "Mom, thanks for raising me as a single mom. I'm glad I wasn't mixed up like my brother and sister. Besides, you taught me to how to be the good mom I am today. And thank you because I now understand how much you love me then and now---because I love my precious daughter, 3 months old. (and that love and wonderful mothering has continued.) Read my article about this at writing.com under best4writing) Truly, it was in the best interest of my children that I divorce for their sake instead of staying with a sudden hot-temptered husband. Same will be true for your children

It's really bad, and really hard for you, no doubt, Annie. But imagine how much harder it can be for men who are often forced to LEAVE A CHILD BEHIND. I beg you, don't just read those words. Even if only for a second, try to actually imagine them. I've been there. Unless you have too, you have no idea how bad it is. So look on the bright side. It could easily be much, much worse.

cut all contact with him/her. change your email address, phone number whatever it takes. move forward and don't look back. also get together with friends and get yourself a stable, loving circle of friends to support you and go back to school or start something that enriches you. i also recommend volunteering at a center for abused women.... it always helps a lot to help others.... best of luck.

Just because the old pair of shoes are comfy it is no reason to keep wearing them. Just remember the hole that lets the water in, the way they nip your toes and cause blisters on your heels. Then think of how comfy it is to walk bearfoot.

Here is a real live incident that occurred two days ago. I am writing this to you, in hopes it will be a wake up call, concerning domestic violence. Had a call concerning a male running down the street with no clothes and covered with blood. male spotted two streets over from his house. he ran through two peoples houses and back into the street. police stopped him. ambulance arrived and he bolted and ran again. next, spotted four streets away. five officers had to subdue this person. person was delirious. stated he had killed his wife. I approached his house. i slowly walked up the sidewalk. as i did, i noticed the front storm picture window had been broken out, from inside the house. gun drawn, i asked for backup. i did not know what to expect. as i approached the front door, i could see two feet and a body lying on the floor, covered in blood. i immediately asked for an ambulance. three children were screaming inside the house, all in shock. woman was lying on her back. her left little finger had been severed and profusely bleeding. grabbed a towel to stop the gushing of blood. i observed two to three stab wounds in her chest. medics arrived and took over. blood was everywhere inside the house. the trail started in the bedroom, down the hallway and into the living room. She survived the aggravated assault, barely. This couple had an abusive relationship for many years. their marriage was leading to this finale. police called to their house many times. it fit a pattern. the same pattern you are facing. I hope this true case is the enforcement you need to stop connecting again and again with your abusive relationship. You only have one life. once its gone, its gone.

Firstly, do you need to be having the life choked out of you by this person in order to realise you're in the wrong relationship for you? Or will it take them beating you within an inch of your life? How about them running you over and then pinning your body against a wall with their vehicle? Sorry to be so graphic but you know what, you clearly know that the right thing to do is to sever ties with this person and move on with your life. Yes, it is hard to do. Yes, sometimes you think you're better off with someone you know than with someone you can't trust or worse yet, alone. When they start woo-ing you back it can also be hard. But how many times are they going to apologise, call you sweet names, buy you gifts and then say they'll be better or they are going to change (or have changed) or that they're going to get help, or it just wasn't them or it was their work stress causing them to hurt you...? Here's what can help. Take out an intervention order against this person and make sure it covers her having contact with you, your phone provider and other service providers, your family, your friends etc. And stick to it. Intervention orders cover you but they also cover the person you take them out against. If you allow contact with this person and do nothing you can get arrested. I know you've been to hell and back so many times and I do feel for you but the fact that you've had the strength to leave (even if you did go back eventually), that says so much about your strength as a human being. Remember though, you don't have to do it alone. There are some great support groups out there that can help you find that strength. Document the abuse and have them charged - believe me, the police WILL follow it up. Send this person the message that you're over them and over their treatment of you and that you deserve better. Come back here if you need further reinforcement. Just cut contact permanently, if they have belongings of yours, arrange to have someone else (a police officer even) to collect them or if you need to go, make sure they're not going to be there. But remember, no posessions are worth endangering yourself for. You need to think of what you were like before you met them. You might have thought life was bad or dull before you met them but honestly, wouldn't you rather reverse the bad parts (because I do understand there would have been good parts)? Do you want them to incorrectly asume it's okay and you don't value yourself? Because that's what can happen if you go back - theyll take that as a sign that you're permitting them to treat you like that and you're better than that. You're worth more than that. If you were talking to a friend who was telling you their story and it was the same as yours, what would you tell them? You wouldn't tell them to leave. Why??? Because they're worth more, because no-one deserves that treatment. And that's the point. YOU don't deserve that treatment so apply some of that thinking to yourself. I don't know what else I can tell you other than, you need to do this for you and you need to find the self-worth that I'm sure is there inside and you need to pull it out and examine it and treat yourself better. Warm regards, Meg

Don't waste anymore time asking questions. Get on with your life. Why do you even think about someone who is full of evil? He will never change. Will you? Get over it. STOP playing with fire before you get burned badley.

I am in the same boat. I left my husband for the 2nd time after 10 years of marriage and three wonderful children. I thought the actual act of leaving was the hardest part, but in reality was little prepared for the crap that pursued. Apart from stalking me on the phone, texts etc, he then attempted to kill himself and made himself extremely ill in the process. I made the mistake of going back to "take care" of him. In hindsight, it was the wrong thing to do but eventually I got out of the situation and got started to get counselling on my issues of misguided guilt Well, we are still separated,but I still get constant phonecalls on what a changed man he is, how he is getting help, given up drinking, receiving anger management therapy and above all he has found religion and that with God, he believes that forgiveness is possible and I should appeal to the higher order to forgive him and bring our family back together again. BTW, this change has all taken place within the space of 8 weeks. It is very hard, I am confused and mentally drained. Can abusers change? I believe it is possible, but I have a hard time thinking that just because a person may change, the "victim" should automatically take them back. I can only speak for myself. I have changed so much due to my experiences with my husband; I don't trust anyone, I am bitter and cannot rely on anyone, because I expect to be disappointed. I also replay some of the most traumatic experiences in my mind to stop me from taking that step back. I also believe that if my husband has truly changed, it should come with the understanding that he may not be able to get me back. What I have realised is that with each act of violence a little bit of love was eroded till the point where I don't feel anything anymore. If I went back, It would be with the understanding that we are both working on our relationship. I am no longer in that space. I feel intense resentment and disrepect for this person that is meant to have loved and protected me. So, what would be the point? The point about forgiveness is that with it you are supposed to forget. But if you can't forget have you really forgiven? I can't answer that age old conundrum that god has put before us. But don't fool yourself to believe that you have and go back in that relationship, because your behaviour itself, which is no fault of yours, would give him an excuse to continue the cycle of abuse. We all have our own journey, and I wish you all the strenth and mental energy to sustain the will to continue each day.

My mother was just like you. She finally tried to commit suicide over it. But she finally figured out that only person she really needed to have a good life is herself. Once she learned that she left him, came to live with me(her son), found a great guy and is now married to him and has had over a decade, a happy life.

You will not be getting any support from me anyone who enjoys being abused that much and keeps going back is sadistic. I have no sympathy.

Are you smart or stupid??? That should be your reinforcement. I don't feel sorry for you if you get beat down..you must like it if you keep going back...think about that.

Kudos to you ! And, do not go back ! Each time you do, it will get worse ! You are better then that ! I was in a abusive relationship/friendship with a guy for 16 months ! Shortly after we met, he wanted me to move in with him, when I said I will think about it, he looked at it as "no". He then started to put me down, calling me stupid ! That I am not. He put on all the charm in the beginning calling me gorgeous ! That stopped. It was like I was an embarrassment to him, when I was not. Extremely jealous of my friends, wanted to know every where I was and if I was with anyone. He was and still is a very insecure man. Just recently he met someone else online, shortly writing, went out on a first date and proposed marriage and she said "yes". He is making the engagement a year engagement. I don't see it coming off the ground. I pray for the girl. They are both 51 yrs old. He is looking for a mommy figure to take care of and then put them down ! God bless you in your decision to leave.

Apparently you have not had enough of the abuse if you keep going back. I also have survived abuse and I left. Being abused is not a feeling I like very much. I also don't like giving a jerk control over MY LIFE!! Abuse is abuse is abuse and he will never change. If you want to keep going back well I don't know what to tell you. I think you need help with self esteem issues and perhaps depression. There is lots of help out there for you. You need to seek the help from organizations that you live near. Make the calls...reach out and get the help. You will be amazed of the love and support you will receive! Give yourself that Xmas present! Be good to yourself.

Look I just left one back in June. 3 years of pure hell. I left twice and went back and both times I ended up in the hospital and nearly died. If you keep going beck he's going to keep thinking its ok to beat you. You have to decide when enough is enough, and you have to realize you deserve a whole lot better. Now my situation was different as they are all unique. But there are agencies out there to give you the support emotionally and physically that you need right now. If you go to the local police department they can help you contact who you need to. And don't look at it as a failure, but as a step to rebuilding and remembering who you are.

Abusive relationships SUCK. One was enough for me. Mercifully, my parents have always been good role models in the relationship area, and we can talk. The best thing I can tell you is to find a group, led by a qualified counselor, for people who have similar experiences. That said, I will tell you a story. A friend of a friend, we shall call her "Helen" is the mother of two small children. Their father, and her husband, was very unstable and abusive. She left him when he pulled a gun on her in front of their children, threatening to kill them all and then himself. Helen took the kids and moved out of state, to a town near her family. It was a new house, a small house in the country. She didn't tell ANYONE where she was going or that she was going. One day, Helen came in from hanging out the laundry to her youngest saying that he had, "talked to Daddy." She thought it was just the child's imagination and didn't think anything of it. One day, the family came home from church, and the house was surrounded by squad cars. Helen found out that somehow he had found them and had "set up camp" so to speak, in the crawlspace beneath their house, with a cot and a stove for cooking. He had indeed been talking to the kids through the vent, when she went outside to take care of laundry/garden/etc. These people are really dangerous. I know you know that. Find a group of people to support you. You can do it.

I totally understand what you've been through. I was married to my ex-husband for 5 years, and we had 2 kids together. He was what they call, a Sociopath. I left him 2 different times and came right back to him. When I left him the 3rd time, it was for good and let me tell you it was hard. My Aunt and Uncle to us in their home, and helped us in so many ways. We became members of their church, and they encouraged me. This man took me to court for 5 years! As of Nov. 2005 their was finally a Parenting Plan Trial, and he has not complied since. I have not had to deal with since then. I live in Oregon and he lives in Washington.

please don't go back - go forward - you deserve better and there is someone out there who is just dying to meet you and see your smile and fall in love with you - please dont deny them - life is way too short to waste it with someone who does not respect you - RESPECT - let me know how you are doing

This is what happened to me. Let me just start by saying I was 29 years old, no family to help me and completely alone to do this myself. I was with someone for about 8 years who is a typical poster child for emotional abusers. Cutting me down, of course his family jumped right in, belittling me, turning everything into my fault, telling me I was crazy, needed help...acting great to everyone else......you know the routine. I saw myself change, my self esteem gone, my self value and worth gone. I felt crazy at times.Well, if we both already know I am of value ( everyone is), still the same person down inside and have worth, then wouldn't it make sense that your fear of leaving is also a response to all of his crap making you think you are wothless and will fail. Isn't that why us women stay? True, true true. He is winning if you think that way. Doen’t it sound silly to say you are afraid to be alone and the thought of leaving and being alone is so terrible when the reality of life is that we all may be alone….you could loose everything in a car wreck, or a fire or something are you afraid of that every day? Does that fear prevent you from getting in your car and driving to work? If someone told you they were afraid of driving because they may get in a wreck and killed so they can’t work..bla, bla ,bla what would you really think??. Would you tell your best friend to stay in a situation like yours?? I don't think so. It’s called growing up and having to make your own decisions in life and you no longer have parents to remove you from bad situations as they did when you were 3 yrs old. Now it’s your turn to take care of yourself and if your not taking care of yourself as you would care for your best friend or your 3 yr old then that is on you. What I did was this. ( I worked) I earned as much as he did, not al lot. yet I was the called the gold digger, go figure. So one day I packed my shit and left after almost eight years of drama, trauma, fear, worry and uncertainty. I got a place in another city,over an hour away. I personally left everything behind. I let him have it all. I walked out with a suitcase and my dog. It had been too many years of me getting nowhere. I was terrified and believed I would fail. I had an unlisted number and I changed jobs. Get this...I went from a stable govt. job to a commission only sales job. Talk about destrating myself from my fears! Within 2 years I was a broker in a completely different field and running my own successful business and my life is better than I could have ever dreamed and I did it all alone. I really thought I would fall on my face. I was so scared. The first 6 mo. I was rattled. I forced myself to go out, I only socialized with business people at conventions, wine tasting, chambers of commerce and media events. meet people who are of higher quality you will decover most of them did the same thing at some point. At first going out and socializing was a trip. I was so insecure, I felt like everyone was looking at me like I was the looser I was told for years I was. Now....wow, it's amazing to look back and see the changes inside and out. I even physically look 100% better. And seeing these changes have made me so strong. It WILL do the same for you. If you are in a buring building and everyone outside is screaming for you to come out...well it's a little hard to find the way out when your burning but all you have to do is listen and move on the good advice of those who have been there and those who care. GET OUT AND THINGS WILL CHANGE FAST. And don't jump into another relationship. Figure it out on your own until you have done it long enough that it is easy. Then look again for a partner. Look around you. Look at all the people you pass in the malls, they are no better than you, and think, " how the heck are they making it" Well you will make it too and much further than you ever, ever dreamed possible. Just like me. Just do it. You only have one life to live, it goes by fast and it's up to you to change your own life the way you want it. You will never find what you really want if you stay in what you don't want. You are too good to not allow someone else to discover you someday! The only regret I have about leaving is that I didn't do it 8 years eariler. Mark my word when I say you will achieve more than you ever imagined.

If it doesn't work the first time, it will never work again. Remind yourself WHY you left him the first time. Men do not change! No matter how much they convince you or you try to convince yourself, men like that will do anything to get you back. If it takes him numerous times to find a way to get you back, he is in it for way different reasons than you. "out of sight, out of mind." I took up rock climbing and became friends with people I knew I would never date. They turned out to be my best most awesome friends! Plus, the rock climbing made me a WAY more confident, stronger, and less stressed woman!

CONGRATULATIONS on getting out of such a relationship!! That takes courage and strength so be proud of yourself!! If you EVER think of going back to this person, remind yourself why you finally made the choice to leave FOR THE LAST TIME. Consider going back "not an option" and keep telling yourself you are too valuable to be treated poorly. Please please please move forward and make better choices in a partner. No one should be abused.

go out, have sooo much fun, forget about him.. and soon you'll wonder what you ever saw in him. this might sound a bit impersonal, but if this bloke hurt you enough to leave scars/bruises etc use them as a reminder what life was like with him, and why would you want to go back. or maybe something small of his, something you hate to remind you? you are stronger than you think! i am so happy for you. getting out of the relationship :-D

"As a dog returns to his vomit, so a fool returns to their folly." Not saying that you're a fool but it is foolish to keep going back thinking that things are going to be different. You gotta be the one to change the way things are, don't expect him to change cause he won't. The only things guys know how to change is their brand of beer.

Look in the yellow pages and find a builder then get builder to erect a wall between you two

You need support from your friends,and most of all,keep busy.If you have things to do that you like, or catch up on neglected responsibilities,since your time was most likely manipulated in the past 5 1/2 years,not to mention the confusion and drained emotions that kept you from handling life the way you shoulda/ woulda/coulda....and you'll see,that once you get over the "hump" of just thinking about him "where is he,who's he with,what are they doing,does he miss me,I'm going to drive by his house,I'll just call him to get my jacket back,all that stuff will only go away(and he's gotta know he has you wrapped) when you give an honest attempt to not answer his call,but someone elses instead. The first week is REAL hard,but after that it starts to lighten up and you look forward to that burden being lifted and the freedom to go where you want, AND REALIZE "OTHER PEOPLE WANT YOU AROUND" OTHER PEOPLE ENJOY YOU,RESPECT YOU,LOOK FORWARD TO HANGING OUT WITH YOU,..........HOW ABOUT ACTUALLY LISTEN,HEAR,AND RESPOND TO YOUR CONVERSATION. Take a class,go dumpster diving if you have to,go visit an elderly person at a convelesant hospital,and ask them what they think.! Not only will they have much appreciated company,but things in their day seemed more clearly defined,and you'll get another outlook on it. If it's way bad for you,call resourses for emotional help,or safety if physically threatening. Obviously,I've been through it ,too. If you knew my story,you'd feel like your problem is easy to handle.. Mine's so bad,I cant even reveal it. Good Luck

Be strong. Tell your friends...your GOOD friends whom you TRUST to do ANYTHING they have to to prevent you from going back to him. Same with any trusted family members. You should feel proud, some women never make it as far as you have. :)

Well can i start by saying, what a huge move, by getting out. Think about your life now, as a new life with a lot more happiness. Look, happiness comes from within, and people that let themselves be in an abusive relationship have no self respect. I am sorry to be so honest, but it seems that you are already quite honest with yourself. Good for you. The Honest truth is difficult to see sometimes. It's going to be a long road for you to get on both feet and be strong. First step, getting help, and talking about it. I really hope you have at least one great friend, who you can tell everything too. Talk, Talk, Talk, let everything out, keep nothing in. Cry, Cry, Cry, tons!!! And if you feel bad for yourself, let yourself feel bad. You are right, you can not go back only forward in life. You choose who you want to be, you choose your destiny, and most of all, you choose who you deserve. I can tell you right now, you do not deserve what you have told me you've been with for the last 5 1/2 years. Somewhere in your life, you have learnt this is what you deserve. And please, don't ever think it is what you deserve. You need to gain a lot of self confidence, and it does not happen over night. Today, when you read this, do something for me! Go get a journal, whatever colour you want, and write all the way from the beginning of your story to the end. Write the pain, and the raw truth. And take that book everywhere you go, since you carry the pain with you everyday. And everytime you want to go back, read the worst parts, read the abuse, and remember the pain, remember the way he made you feel. The way every bit of your body hurt, and every bit of your body felt so small. YOU DO NOT WANT THIS PERSON EVER AGAIN. YOU NEVER WANT TO HEAR HIS VOICE. YOU NEVER WANT TO SPEND ANOTHER SECOND STANDING BESIDE HIM. YOU NEVER WANT TO SLEEP WITH HIM. I promise you there is someone out there for you, God had a plan, i promise you. Good people do not go unnoticed. And you are an important person. You had a bad experience, but do not blame yourself, just learn from it. Love yourself, it's the most important thing you'll ever do for yourself. Find love in other places, because his love is not real, and he is not a real person. I hope my words will touch you, and touch your everyday life. You just made yourself a new beginning, so go forward and remember who you are, and take the journey to love yourself. Good luck, we're all here, remember that.

Don't go back this time.. I'm going thru the same thing ...He's only going to blame you for taking him back and not making it work.... (again) I found out that his heart wasn't with me this time but only to pass time until his Ex got out of JAIL (7 years) and she wanted him to be there when she got out... So he used me until it was time for her release and now she's looking for him since November.. She called his mother's house for him and she wont stop til she finds out we didn't make it, so now he knows this and headed for her hometown where she's at and there going to pick up were they left off 12 years ago ..... the funny thing is she's already been told that he has'nt changed and he's still abusive to women and she thinks that's hard to beleive...... Well good luck to the both of them...... They deserve each other........ As for me... I am reading DR.PHIL LIFE STATEGIES.. GREAT THERAPY for this kind of thing. Don't go back... Go Foward take care

I pretty much believe you have made up your mind. Think about your future. Do you want kids? If yes, think about Mr. Macho hitting them. Get out while you can. Your body and mind can only take so much. If it were your mom, your sister, even your child, what advice would you gice them? The right advice I would hope. Girl get out, go start a new life. There is ALWAYS a Mr. Right out there. Can't find him with two black eyes. Good luck and God Bless!

Write down all the terrible things he has done to you. Everytime you think of something that hurt you so much you felt like you were going to die from heartache or depression, write it down. Do this every day until you have a full sheet of things to remember WHY you left. Whenever you feel weak or he is trying to get you back just read those things and remember how bad you felt. If he is speaking to you at the time, remember something from that list and bring it up, it will inevitably cause an argument and reinforce your decision to leave. Also, seek counselling to help you through the traumatic events you have sustained. For you to be truly happy again, you have to fix yourself first. You have to believe that you are worth more than the treatment he doled out to you. You are beautiful, you are strong, you are intelligent. When you don't need your reinforcing anymore, it will feel so good to burn that list when you are ready...I have 6 pages of stuff and it keeps growing and as it grows, I become stronger and stronger knowing what I am doing is the right thing. I am so happy for you that you got out. I can't wait to be there, in that place where I answer to nobody, I can do what I want, go where I want, and not have marathon arguments. Stay strong, you don't need him, all you need is yourself. *hugs*

I say you are brave too. It is difficult to give up something that you value - even when that thing hurts. I was involved with an abusive person on and off for nearly two years. I kept going back hoping that he had changed - he went to anger management; he was getting older (46); and he was going to church every Sunday. I realize that those behaviors meant nothing. He was more cruel and disrespectful. I am suffering from bad dreams and thoughts from the experience - that means my peace of mind has been affected. It's not worth it. I've met someone nice and I am not fit for a relationship with him. I've been fighting it, but I may need to go to a therapist. I just want to cry all the time.

Wow. I just got out of an abusive relationship of 4 1.2 years. I cannot stress how hard it was for me. I was so scared, I needed someone to help me and to hold me. It ended up being my mum. She was my backup. I took her with me to pick up my stuff, she was there when I told him i was leaving. She did it all. Just know that although you are stuck in this pattern of leaving and going back, you can break free. I've never felt better. I am (tentatively of course) starting a relationship with my best friend of 4 years and we're working on it. I have my own job, my own money, my own stuff for the first time and I love it. Please. Do what's right for you. It's not selfish to think of number one sometimes.

Meh, move on. You know how many people are out there? You'll meet someone else.

You have received a lot of good advice here, and I will just add that you need to get some counselling to get into the reasons of why you returned so many times. Remember that you deserve someone who will treat you well. Make sure you have a great support system and I wish you all the best.

Hi I have just got out of a similar relationship. I finished the relationship over a year ago when my boyfriend attacked me on holiday whist MY(not his thank god) children slept in the room next to us. That was july 07 and it has taken me till 2 weeks ago to finally get him out of my life. I went back and forth desperstly thinking he would change then after he starting calling my children c**ts that was it. He has stalked me for months , my parents and his have been involved but never the police. I should have done more this man(no boy) controlled me for the first year of our relationship, physically abused me for the second year and the last year emotionally and verbally abused me. I knew he had hit previous girlfiends but still went back and forth looking for the miraculous cure that never came. Then my guiding angel inthe form of his ex girlfriend shows up at a mutal friends party one night to tell me the horror of what he did to her and wait for it breaks the news that this man i thought i loved actually beat his mum and kicked her in the ribs with steel toe cap boots on whist she lay on the floor. Dont think i need to say anymore. I think of that now or how that could be my daughter one day anytime i think of him. Just bloody hate him it gets you through.

Been there. I was with my husband for 10 years and suffered with all of the same for most of the time we were together. I left him several times too but the last time I knew it had to be over completely. It was hard because I would think about the good times that we did have (there were few) and the fact that we were together for so long. We knew each other in and out. I am a changed person (for the better) since I left him 4 years ago. He is the same ass. Be strong and dont let him/her get to you. It can be done..believe me.

*stretched hand out towards you* You can grab my hand and I'll drag along the ground so you can't go back! Please don't go back if it's going to hurt you!

been there done that. Get out while you can. dont go back. the next time he might take your life!!!!

next time he wants you to go back, look him in the face and say FUCK YOU!!!

I know it hard to leave a person you loved for 5 and half years. There's one thing you need to know is it take courage to get yourself out of that relationship. Now all you need is support from you family and friend and to get help so you aren't swayed back into that relationship because if you keep going back it's just going to get worse and then something bad is going to happen. Remember you not a punching bag for anyone. ask yourself if you don't already have children. Is this what I want for my children to grow up and learn to abuse their bf/gf?

Please be strong, and get yourself together. He has treated you badly and probably made you feel that you are not worthy of anything. YOu are, but if you do go back to him, you are taking giant steps backwards! Do not do it!

Ask yourself, why do you go back..? Then balance that answer with why you keep leaving.... If you can identify with what makes you go back, then you can work on why you should'nt !

I am in the exact same boat. I am lonely even when in a room full of people. I miss the quiet, sane times. I know going back again though, will just show him that he can get away with anything. That I don,t even respect me. It will also jsut be a quick fix, that is temporary. Feels good at first, but not for long. WWe could try the buddy system, and try to be strong together??I know, this really sucks, I just want to be snuggled up to him right now.

You need better dont go back for any reason if he does not respect you and love like a man should say goodbye!! there is no reason in this world that you should go back to him! PLEASE STAY AWAY! you could end up died!

You need to ask yourself why you go back. Basically it is an emotional dependence on your abuser. Why do you have that dependence? One possible reason - and I am only saying it is a possibility - is that you are a submissive, and haven't realised it yet. In a D/s situation it is possible to have a consensual, loving relationship which might include what you crave, but in a context which makes you happy. If this strikes a chord with you, why not do a search on BDSM, and see whether it appeals on that level. But only you can know why you keep going back. But you need to find out why, otherwise there is either the danger that you will go back to this relationship or else you will break free and find that your next one is equally abusive. Good luck.

Keep strong! I know it can be done, I've seen a lot of people get free and I have done so myself. I kept busy and I exercised a lot. Suprisingly, exercise does free you mind and makes you feel better. If you are able to do so. Love yourself and do good things for you-you deserve it. If you haven't already, get support from your area's Domestic Violence shelter. Good Luck!

no don't go back you'll see a new lovely life for yourself without him... please be strong enough to leave. YOU CAN DO BETTER! and you will meet a lovely man that will love you for who you are and treat you right

I know how you feel I was going back and forth for 5 years finally i just said enough. you have to believe that you are a good person that, no matter if you did go back things could get worse, trust me on this one, I went back and 2 months ago i was slapped, kicked had my hair pulled, black eye you name it, think of it this way, IF SOMEONE LOVES YOU TRULY LOVES YOU WHY WOULD THEY HURT YOU IN ANY WAY. This is what got me thru, i was verbally, physically emotionally abused. men like this never change, they want to control, hurt you bring you to their level only because they feel so crappy about themselves. Believe this.

i recently worked an investigation of this nature. he asked her to come back, waited for her to fall asleep, then, used a heavy bar to demolish her skull while their infant son slept in her arms! true!

just keep focused on how bad you felt while being abused and remember that you deserve to be loved. being abused is not being loved its the opposite of that. i know its hard as i am in the same position myself right now but we know that it will happen time and again as it has before.