In my family, my brother is severely favored. My friends compare my family to harry potter. He is showered with gifts, food, and encouragement and I'm yelled at, called some very horrible names that I don't want to repeat here, expected to do all womanly work and denied food when they're not hungry at the same time. I have been wondering this same question, myself but I came to the conclusion that it's because my brother is more like them and his priorities and needs match theirs. Both of my parents and my brother are very stingy. I, on the other hand, don't mind spending money on healthy food, classes and medicines. He also follows everything that they say and I'm already at the age where I am branching out to secure my own future. I don't know if it's a deeper reason or not. I hope to find out some day.

Sometimes it's just good old-fashioned narcissism. Parents very often favor the child who looks most like them! In the case of me and my sister, I think it's just that my sister is easier to get along with and more motivated and showed more promise of amounting to something, wheras I seem to have a bit of schizoid personality disorder. I have my own strengths that my sis doesn't, but she's MUCH easier to relate to, and of course the parents are going to prefer the one who does "normal kid" things and attracts others in a social setting.

I agree with Aunty Em. Parents are human. I don't know many parents who choose to favour one child over another, but many do, in fact. You only have to ask children and they know. It often comes down to who they get along with better.Just like you choose your friends on the basis of who you have most in common with, so, sadly, you gravitate to the child you have most in common with. I know I fight it, and try so hard not to favour, but I am sure my second daughter feels I favour the elder.

My brother was given some money to buy a flat recently however I was denied money some years ago when I requested money for investment purposes. (I am the eldest) I was also denied money again after my brother borrowed money to purchase the flat.

It is impossible not to. Children in your household are like citizens. You may love all of them, but some of them can be just plain unlikeable. We have this argument regularly. Our oldest and youngest children (of 5) are always extremely respectful, work very hard, and never need to borrow money (because they went and got jobs) As younger children, they would never argue when you corrected them... Consequently, they get rewarded more than the others - because we actually like them. The 3 in the middle will argue with you even when you are trying to help them out. I assure you that all 5 children were given the same tools, allowances and priveleges... Their personalities and drive are what sets them apart. And as parents, we respond to that.

helping out around the house....to be honest its the youngest that gets liked the most because of smoking,beer and alla tht

Bias

Well i for one dont favour any,i treat mine all the same,i love them all equally,i dont know why any parent would have favourites i certainly dont!

Perhaps the child looks like them, reminds one of themselves at that age or is more affectionate towards that parent. I mean if you have three children and only one crawls in bed with you to be near you for security and love I think you start to get special feelings for that child...Just my opinion

I think whichever child seemingly causes the parents the least amount of "trouble" usually is the favorite. My youngest sibling is my mother's favorite because, I believe, when she needed help she turned to an older sibling (usually yours truly) who gave it to her which let my mother off the hook for a lot of worries she would have had to help with otherwise.

I'm told my mother favors my siblings because I most resemble my father and I have the highest IQ out of the three of us. Sometimes I think I only want to have kids to prove I'd do a better job. My mother is insane.

I agree that a parent should try hard to hide their feelings of favortism. Even if a parent enjoys the company of one child over another that is still not an excuse for not showing love. I know from my own experience that a difficult child is harder to love and be around but we still have to put forth an effort to be fair and loving.

I have just recently gotten married and we are living with my husbands mother until our house is ready on 11/03/07. I have been for a few months now and I came to this website because of her behavior. She adopted two girls two years ago one is now 4yrs old and the other 6yrs old. She will do the most evil things to oldest. If she has one plum left she will give it to the younger child. She does this with any thing snack pack chips, strawberries, cookies, etc. she will let the older child sit and watch the younger eat it and will not give her anything. She will tell her that she does not need it. Now the older girl is very thin and athletic. The young is well... a little chunky, but she is adorable. The older had a birthday party 10/09/07 she turned 6 and her sister was allowed to take her toys. There mother stated that they can share the toy. I tried to interject that it was the oldest birthday and those were her toys. I stated for her to let the little girl have her day. So, after that she did not get to even open the toys out of there boxes for almost two week she opened them this past weekend. When I first arrived they would discipline her alot physically (as far as punching). I have seen things downright abusive. I have handled that aspect of it and things like that have gotten better, but they still punish her alot. I don't understand why they treat her this way. My husband wants me to mind my own buisness. I try but I love children so much that I can't help but intervene. When I first meet the girls I feel in love with them both. I only recently (a week after the party) started to want to do more for the older one and less for the younger, but it is because I feel that if I don't love her and care for her than no one will. Any thoughts?

Parents tend to favor the one that doesn't break balls.

I see alot of people commenting that: The one who is the least trouble is favored"..... Not always the case, ladies & gentleman. My family is a nightmare textbook case of the most bizarre psychology you can imagine. The gays (who are extremely disfunctional) have always been favored. The one who was put through college, all expenses paid, is now HIV positive, and hasn't worked in years. I have never been given anything, and do catch an attitude from my mother here & there. All I can say is, distance yourself, do not feel guilty for blowing off family, and go on with your life. I hear people say "Family is so important... It's important to be a family person"... My response is this: I AM a family person, as long as it's someone elses family!! (Mine totally sucks!!)

I cannot for the life of me understand what compells a parent to favor one child over another. It accomplishes nothing more than lifelong heartache, anxiety, total loss of self-esteem, and sadness for the child who has clearly not made the "VIP list." It is my firm belief that parents who put the interests and needs of one child over another are very poor excuses for parents.

Strict but Funny.. you claim to "know from experience" that a "difficult child" is harder to love...how can any child be "hard to love?" He or she is your CHILD, for God's sake!!! And perhaps you may want to rethink your definition of "difficult." Some people (i.e. parents) are perhaps just too high maintenance!

In my family, the older sister had a very bad medical condition, so naturally needed more attention. I just looked on, forgotten. When she died, my parents were devastated and nearly broke up, but my mother became pregnant almost immediately. The daughter born nine months later became the replacement of the deceased, who by that time had become legendary, of angelic status. The new baby also needed lots of attention, and I continued to look on, comparatively ignored. Not understanding the vanishment of my adored older sister, I was sad and began wandering away, and no one looked for me. The younger sister grew up favoured and adored, at the center of the family, and could do no wrong. I loved her too, believing that she deserved all the love she got. The problem was that I was isolated, and fifty years later, the parents' last will and testment has confirmed that not only was she the favorite, but I was not only ignored, but cast as the bad girl of the family. Half a century of trying to win their love and approval has failed. This is my experience how a parent can favor one child over another.

my parents favoured my elder sister when we were growing up. she was the good one, the clever one who got sent to extra maths lessons. She has made a success of her life, is happy, married has two happy kids, who are now the favoured grand children. I grew up as a spectator. i was the naughty one, even got taken to a mental hospital for tests, because i was "so naughty". all this did to me was ruin my self-confidence. i have 2 children, who are considered naughty and difficult, but are no different to any other child. my marriage failed, i have struggled thru life. it came to light once when my mother had had a few drinks, that she was unwanted as a child. she was the youngest of 2. its as if she has taken out her feelings of rejection on me and now extends them to my children. its really horrid and i blame my mother's treatment of me on a lot that has happened in my life. being a mum myself, i love both my children equally and would never put them thru what i went thru and i actually look fwd to being a grand parent in the future because i will be there for them, do the duties my own mother has never done.

I think birth order has a lot to do with it. The youngest child is often the "spoiled one". Medical conditions (past or present) can also be a factor, for reasons of guilt.

I have thought about this so much. Four therapists and 38 years of life and listening to others share their stories has left me with this conclusion: the parents are acting out some sort of need/desire that is unhealthy at its most harmless and very sick, twisted at its worst. My mom was the favored child in her home and she was the oldest. She then favored her eldest child (not me) who was also her biological child while I was adopted. My family's dsyfunction, many have claimed, might be genetic. I could go on and on but basically, I would say that a lack of love within a person who becomes a parent--- maybe they didn't receive enough, or they don't have a loving self-concept--- is a recipe for favortism, a form of abuse that can range from a private preference to outright harmful neglect to get the message across to "hurt" the child. Here's one last comment--- I've also noticed that the child that tries to "earn" the love from an unloving and partial to one-child-over-another parent, ends up never receiving it because it's never enough; however, the "favored child" is sometimes indifferent, cold, and sometimes neglectful to the parent(s). I think it's a self-esteem issue. When someone craves or wants love, they are not as desirable to someone who can't really give it back. The person's (parent's) inadequacy would show and so rejection of a child, which only mystifies the child/makes the child act out thus confirming whatever excuse/theory the parent has cooked up to explain the preference in the first place, allows the parent to not have to face the real problem---the inability to really love anyone.

Parents like best the child who is beautiful. I had a beautiful older sister that people would fawn over. I was the ugly klutz who was too shy to speak, and to weak to defend herself. I am more successful now than her- a Dr. with an equally successful husband. Still, I am the unfavored child, seeking tokens of success in life to replace the love I never received.

I really wish I knew for sure, maybe then as an adult I wouldn't still get so hurt over it. My mum ensures equality in money spent for birthdays, christmas etc nut not in time. She favours my sister who is 2 years younger than me, always has been slimmer and prettier (I remember as a 10 year old being shut in the kitchen on a diet, while my sister was in the lounge with my younger brother eating biscuits)it has gone on into adulthood, as a single working mum of 3 my childminder had to give up her job I rang my mum to tell her, her immediate reaction was that she'd help out but didn't want to do it on a full time basis, that wasn't why I called, I just wanted to tell her. Within the year she was picking up my sister's son from school giving him his tea and looking after him until my sister collected him. I have a huge amount of such examples, I'm not a bad person, I try so hard to 'get in with her', my sister and my mum go out loads together at weekends and mid week as my sister has a day off in the week too, I try to do the same but I do a 42.5 hour working week and have 3 kids to look after, it is hard to do the same. But when I do manage to get her to come out with me I always feel that she doesn't want to be there. I'll shut up now before I bore you all to death - sorry.

I have one child, so I never found out from a parent's perspective. But I have a younger sister and each of us believes the other was the "favored" child. My younger sister was far more adventurous, outgoing and irresponsible when young..I was the "dependable" child, the compliant child, the child who wanted to please. I was easier to raise, but I think my sister brought more delight..at least to my mother. She was outgoing, gregarious, had tons of friends, a sparkling personality..I was the serious one, the studious one, the "loner". My dad always made us feel equally loved..my mom had a harder time doing so. :) Happy Sunday! :)

i know my mother loves all three of us (myself and younger sister and brother) the same. but because life is so hectic, i allow her time to be monopolized by my siblings. I am the easy going and independant child, never demanding anything. This allows my sister (the drama queen) to take up my mother's offers to make her lunch every morning, go shopping when ever she is free, just genrally focus on her. Since my brother is the only son, he is generally fawned over by the rest of the family. I know if i spoke up i would get more attention, but i usually just fade into the background, not wanting to be a bother or disturb the flow of things. i guess its my own fault.

My husband favors our 10 year old son over our 13 year old daughter. It is obvious, yet he denies it. Our daughter gets hurt by the hurtful things he says, then acts with an attitude towards him, thus giving reason for him to be cold. Even when she tries to act cheerful and asks how his day is he brushes her off with a quick answer. But as soon as our son comes in the room, it's "Hey Buddy, what's going on?, etc. etc." I have tried to talk with my husband and he says he treats them equally and that our daughter is just an emotional nightmare. This is really causing me to have bad feelings toward him. When my daughter used to cry to me about the situation, I would tell her to ask Daddy to do something, just her & him, and she would say no. I know he wouldn't turn her down if she asked him, but deep down I do believe they would go and do whatever and he would pretty much ignore her or belittle her. I need help / We need help.

I for one is the second child from 3 siblings and remember vividly how my dad used to say", the eldest and youngest will be loved more because they are the first and the last," right in front of my face. My mom will fuss over my eldest sister (who is in her 30's) and bends backwards for my youngest brother. The last straw was during my wedding, they blamed me for not paying attention to my sister!! on my WEDDING day!! my husband was so incensed (he was there) because I was expected to apologize. Yes, I was the rebel one in the family but I end up the most independent one financially (even sent them money when they need it), married to a successful loving man who they didnt agree since we are from different religions. I cant give a $h*t on how they treat me now since I move abroad from all that dysfunctional psyche. Now I have a 2 year old and pregnant with 2nd and vow myself to love them unconditionally no matter what. Oh and of course up to present (2 years living abroad) I have counted with 2 hands how many phone calls or email I receive from them as they expect its an obligation for daughter to call parents. when I asked so what happen if I dont call them for quite a while, will they call and find out? their simple answer was,"presumably no news from you means good news so why call?" *roll eyes*

Jelousy makes a child feel this way. Parents love their children equally; however, when one child is a saint and the other is a rebel, the rewards to the rebel are less inviting, thus creating an attitude in the rebel of belief that the parent is showing favoritism.

I am the younger sister of a 2 child family. I have never spoken about this before but I don't think it is the younger child that gets all the attention. When I was growing yp I am 30 now my Sister was the most sucessful one and had a good job. I then became very resentful, but that was not the only thing it wasn't just me that noticed it, it was other people and that was worse. Even now that I am all grown up my Dad still says hurtful things that still make me cry to this day. I don't think things will ever be different at all so now I just see my parents in small doses.

Could it be natural selection? I have a brother who's the favored one. But here's the twist. I am the good, obedient one. Studied, made good grades, played sports and got an athletic college scholarship. I also helped my Dad anytime work needed to be done. My brother did not have to help. It was almost like it was an atmosphere that said, "He gets to lay in bed. It's just the way it is. Don't ask." Now (and this is the God's truth )my Dad drives 60 miles several times a week to do "fix it" stuff and major projects for my brother. He guided my brother in the purchase of his home and was there for the better part of 2 years fixing it up. It went from a 20000 dollar home to a 200000 dollar home.( My bro didn't help my Dad fix up his own house at all. ) My father rarely comes to help me. That's loyalty for ya,huh? I've racked my brain for years in silence and come up with some theories: 1) My father struggled like my brother in school but my father found his niche in the computer field later in life and made trip figs for several years. (He also guides my bro's fam in their savings. Never offered a word to me). So there's some empathy there where my Dad and Bro are of about the same intellectual strength. They have very small, simple vocabs and two syllable words tongue tie them. School was easy for me, so I think Dad wants to prove a point to himself. The point being:"Look at what one can accomplish even if things don't come easy for them." Another theory: Natural Selection. My brother, like my father, has inherited some natural good looks. I did not. It's like there's an atmosphere of:"I'm helping the one who is more likely to ensure the survival of the species." kinda thing going on. It's unbeknowngst to Dad that this is going on, though. It's sickening to be a part of and witness, really. Especially when your father doesn't understand himself (or is in so much denial ) enough to realize what he's doing.

I always thought that a big reason that My Mom and my sister always had a closer bond was because my Mom breast fed her and she didn't with me. Also, when I was born my parents were still in party mode and I spent a lot of time at my Grandma's house on the weekends, whereas when my sister was born they had started to calm down a little bit and spent more time at home when she was a baby. I think Mom has always resented my Grandma and Aunt because I am closer with them but really she was the one that created that bond between us.

In our family it was because the first daughter was especially beautiful and intelligent. She died at the age of three and was replaced by another. The replacement daughter was automatically the angel. She basked in love in the center of the family and I became the scapegoat for anything that went wrong. Plus, I had to take on all the extra responsibility. This favouritism lasted until my parents died, and it showed up in their will, even though nearly all of their possessions they had when they died were gifts I had showered on them in my endless frantic effort to show them I was okay and try to get some love back.

In my case, when you're not the SON in the family. Cause when i was born, they thought i was a boy, but instead they got me. They already have a daughter, so why bother another daughter. So i got all this hand me down stuff, which is fine by me, but sometimes you want something that is yours from the start... So when my brother came along, i didn't get any attention that i wish they gave me when i was born. And that cycle still repeating itself until now... Guess how old i am now?? 23 years old...

Nothing unless the parents are wise people.

not sure but its wrong